I grew up in East LA. I remember spending lots of my days growing up with my sister, my madrina and her son who I consider a brother; We would walk to the KMart in the Commerce Center that used to exist, and we would always go to church on Sunday mornings.
We often moved back and forth from Boyle Heights and Montebello- my mom, sister, our dog and I finally settled down here [in Montebello] about six years ago and I graduated from Schurr High. I remember when we first moved here I cried for hours because I wasn’t used to this area.
My sister is just two years older than I am; We spent a lot of our lives following each other, our lives were very intertwined. She’s a criminal justice major at Cal State Fullerton, and we’re both Leo risings so you can only imagine how crazy it gets when we fight for our mom’s attention. Having a sister can be a bit annoying but it’s also rewarding to have someone close in age to me that I can confide in sometimes.
I love my city [Montebello]; Being able to have found a home here and have friends who are like mentors, like family. I have so many memories and have learned so many lessons here- I even performed poetry down the block about three or four years ago, and I’m very involved in the politics here. For me, it’s always been about finding a home and somewhere safe to land.
One of the biggest struggles I’ve had to go through was my parents’ separation. I was about 14 or 15 when everything began to unravel, my life felt like it was all going down the drain. I was angry, I was depressed and I began drifting from all my goals.
When I was in my senior year of high school, I discovered that my dad had two kids before my sister and I. And at my 18th birthday party, he brought our sister without telling us. We [also] had a brother, who I had extensively researched to find when I found out. Coincidentally I actually met someone who knew my brother because they went to USC together; They had done a documentary on him, and the AVID tutor who knew him helped me reach out.
I thought it would be a good idea at the time because I wanted to know more about my dad and learn about who he was before us. But I was wrong, it was actually a really unpleasant experience. It was disappointing, thinking you would want to meet someone your whole life and it not being what you expected. I came to realize that we already have our own people; our own family, friends, coworkers- I didn’t need them to be part of my life. I’m glad I went through this, though, because it helped me be more okay with not having a close relationship with my dad.
My mom is my biggest inspiration. She raised my sister and I all on her own as my dad didn’t really contribute. She came to the U.S. when she was 17, built her life and is finally obtaining her residency at 50, and I’m so proud of her. She has taught me that you really have to work hard in this world to get to where you want, but you also have to be a good person in the process. You have to know your worth, you must understand that heartbreak [in all forms] isn’t forever, and I think we all learned that together- my mom, sister and I- when my dad left our home.
It’s a beautiful thing to see a mother and her daughters overcome this adversity and stay close to one another. We struggled together emotionally and financially.
A week from now, actually, my mom will finally be going back to her home in Mexico for the first time since she left [at 17]. I bought her, and myself, a ticket so we can see her family after all these years. My mom is a hard worker, and being able to return home to her family is something she’s been working towards her entire life here.
I’m so excited, not only for her to be reunited with her loved ones but for my own journey as well. This will be the first time I'll get to see my grandparents’ burial site; When my grandma passed I didn’t have a passport, and my grandpa passed right when the pandemic started, so I was not able to give my last goodbye. I’m excited to visit their home and experience where they lived and, hopefully, be welcomed by it.
I published my first book, ‘Sopita de Letras’, exclusively online through Barnes and Nobles, when I was a teenager. It has a lot to do with the angst and depression I underwent at that time, but it’s something that needed to be done as I had so much suppressed within me.
I am now writing a new, poetic book at 24- almost 25, called ‘Intricate Rituals.’ It’s definitely more mature and displays the development from my world, thoughts and emotions as a teenager compared to that now.
‘Intricate Rituals’ is my special baby. It began coming to life in the midst of the pandemic when I was grieving my grandparents' deaths and going through a friend breakup that was really tough on me. You only have so much space being in quarantine, alone, with your thoughts before you break- you can only suppress so much.
One of the first poems I wrote in this book is about my grandma, who passed two years before my grandpa did. Everyone says she is my twin, that we look alike. I remember seeing her picture in my room when she first passed and I would talk to her- even if I was speaking to thin air, I knew she was listening to me.
I was inspired to write this book by my grandparents, my mother, my sister, my friends and all the crushes I’ve had before. I’m not really religious but I have my faith; However, a lot of my writing has to do with spiritual and religious aspects I grew up with as I was raised in a religious household.
‘Intricate Rituals’ is about grief, friendship and family; It’s about the way love and friendship intertwine and how we make rituals with that.
Friendship, for me, is intimate; You shouldn’t be afraid to be intimate with your friends. If you love someone, tell them; give them a hug, hold their hand, look out for them. However, it’s important for everyone to understand that you’re going to outgrow people, and people will outgrow you, and that’s okay! One door closes so another can open. The grieving process is forever, it will never go away no matter how many times they tell you, but it’s okay to have sadness in you. It’s okay to feel the emotions you are feeling, and it’s important to know that there are going to be ups and downs in your grieving process. You will find someone or something one day to fill you, and you will wake up and realize that it’s not so hard to walk by someone’s street or hear the name of someone you once loved in a conversation. As for family, I want people to know that someone cares about you; You occupy space in someone’s life and that is completely okay. It’s beautiful to know that you are important to someone in such a way.
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